The Stigma of Inter-Gender Friendships
A non-game related post, because I find the topic interesting!
There are seemingly few people who recognize the value of forming relationships without gender bias within the framework of Society. How often are the thoughts or questions of whether or not men and women should be, or could be, friends with those of the opposite sex without the implication of intimacy (and, in turn, infidelity) asked? Further, how often is it “ok in theory but not ok in practice” (especially among those in committed relationships)?
Let’s be clear, if a person cannot accept their significant other’s friends, regardless of gender, then that person has some other, fundamental reason for their lack of acceptance. Jealousy, fear, past experiences, lack of trust… the list is almost overwhelming when considering all possibilities. However, one fact remains that cannot be disputed: friendship (in all of its various forms) is important to each of us, and is not something that should be discouraged based upon gender.
Examining the Most Common Fallacies
- “I trust him/her but I don’t trust his/her friends.”
This is, unfortunately, one of the most common answers heard when asked why someone does or does not approve of their significant other having friends of the opposite gender. The issue here is, at its core, trust. There is not a caveat when speaking of trust. Either there is trust or there is not, period. Implying otherwise is a common misconception that serves no purpose other than providing a way to blame someone other than a significant other for a person’s lack of trust. - “I’ve been burned before and simply do not want to be in a similar position again.”
While this is certainly a similar issue, the problem is more akin to fear than actually a lack of trust. Blaming a person for someone else’s mistakes is easy, and something everyone will do at some point in their life (I’m willing to bet on that one). The fact remains, though, that holding one person accountable for another’s mistakes is simply unfair, and can cause more problems than anticipated. - “I should be everything he/she needs, not some other guy/girl.”
This one is complete and utter ridiculousness. No person can ever be everything for another. It simply is not possible. Attempting to do so not only creates an unmeetable expectation of another person and places undue stress upon them if they fail to meet such expectations, but also belittles the importance of forming bonds with other people to grow and develop as humans. We are social creatures and, as a result, have social needs as well as individual needs. Depriving someone of either should be, and is in many cases, a criminal offense. Why, then, do so many seem to want to close their significant other into an isolated relationship that deprives them of learning, of growing as people, and of being exposed to the wonders and joys of all types of relationships?
Certainly this could be extended into a number of other topics, but the purpose of this post is simply to remind people of the basic premise of why friendships should not be looked through the biased lens of gender. Think about it next time the discussion arises or someone makes a comment that resembles those above. If you feel as though one of the statements applies to you, take a step back and figure out why. Communication with your significant other is far more important than bickering over friendship simply because of a person’s gender.
I think jealousy is generally part of the beast of humanity. If not jealous, sometimes we are uncomfortable with the idea of our partner hanging with the opposite gender. I’m not saying its correct just saying feelings like that are there for many folks. What we do with those emotions is what is important. Is your partner sneaking around to spend time with that person or are you both speaking openly about that friend/co-worker.
I think its all in the approach.
.-= Cathy´s last blog ..Blonde PVP moments =-.
You know what, I’ve always had male friends and female friends. Grew up with my male cousin from when we were still babies, so I guess I’ve always been used to it being normal. Wasn’t until I got a bit older that spending time with somebody of the opposite gender always brought questions of, “Oooh, do you fancy him?” And I just wanted to slap them. I value my male friends as highly as my female friends and I see nothing more in it, that’s the way it should be, and I like to think society is slowly leaning that way.
.-= Jaedia´s last blog ..Burnout and Free Time =-.
Interesting post! I love this kind of topic as well.
I have a lot of male friends, include several male friends in relationships. I’ve also lost some male friends when they got into relationships because their girlfriends don’t believe in opposite gender friendships. It used to bother me a lot, but I’ve grown more tolerant over time. While I treat my guy friends as if they were other women or brothers, I’ve noticed that it’s not the same for everyone. I’ve seen way too many girls flirt with their males friends (and vice-versa) or get involved in emotional cheating. I can’t be too critical of those who don’t believe in cross-gender friendships.
I find that including a friend’s significant other in your activities helps a lot with getting them to see that the friendship is really just a friendship. (And sometimes those jealousy moments have nothing to do with fear of cheating but rather with feeling left out)
.-= Ophelie´s last blog ..WoWing on the Go =-.
@Cathy
The approach certainly contributes to whether things turn out well or not so well in the long run and jealousy is definitely a major factor in these types of scenarios, but overall it still comes down to an issue of trust moreso than anything else (at least as I see it).
@Jaedia
I’ve also had a combination of male/female friends for as long as I can recall. One of my best friends growing up was the next door neighbor, and to this day my parents (and probably hers as well) swear that something had to have been going on between us.
@Ophelie
In many ways I think this hits on the other issue that a lot of people do not like to think about: if s/he cheats (in any form, be it physical, emotional, etc.) then s/he is/was not committed to the relationship as much as the other person is/was. While I do not believe in the concept of “one true love” in the least, there is something to be said for the cliched expression “if s/he cheats then s/he was not the one.”
Well, obviously if someone’s cheating, they’re not right for you (although there are some good cases where a couple has recovered from an affair). Thing with emotional affairs, is that you don’t set out to have an emotional affair, it just sort of happens and the lines that constitute what an emotional affair is are blurry. You don’t know someone’s going to have an emotional affair until it happens. And while many people are perfectly capable of having cross-gendered friendships that are no different from same-gendered friendships, not everyone can.
.-= Ophelie´s last blog ..WoWing on the Go =-.